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At the moment I am resisting everything that tells me I must do. The stack of papers on my kitchen bench that indicates I must do some filing, the leaves outside the front door that show me I must do some sweeping, the plants in the garden that look at me to re-pot them, the kitchen window that shows me the dirt that needs washing away. The list is endless. Always. Seldom do I ever feel caught up. It feels insane. And you know what they say: Insanity is repeating the same behaviour over and over but expecting a different result.
In an effort to change the river’s flow, I am practicing patience… learning to dwell in Ambiguity. It is a place where there are no demands (due to a patient husband), but there are many things that beckon. I am floating, rather precariously, between the two shores, at times. Drifting close to the edge of demands, then back again toward the vortex of ‘never-never’.
Being comfortable with ambiguity allows more creative flow. My river of creative flow has temporarily gone underground. I am a dry riverbed, with still waters running deeply but with no access… temporarily… awaiting a flood of new energy rushing in and raising me up to see possibility. At first it seems like Ambiguity is nothingness. But it is everything-ness. All things are possible when we have not yet chosen. Dwelling in Ambiguity gives me more time to examine the possibilities.
And even if we have chosen, we can choose again. We have the Universe’s permission.
Filing papers, sweeping leaves and floors, dusting table tops, washing windows rob my energy, steal my focus, reduce joy and energy.
If I first think I must, then I must not.
But if I first think, I would like to, then I must.
When it is implied on social media that I must ‘share’ or re-post something if I agree with it, I will not. Ever. Don’t tell me what I must do, how I must behave. I no longer even listen to myself on that topic.
Share your thoughts with me if you wish… but only if you want to.
ardysez 
The photo has interesting possibilities as a painting, Ardys……however I will not tell you that you “should” do it, ha ha xx
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I have already bought the canvas… stay tuned… if you want to!
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Will do!
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It’s funny, this post reminds me so much of my own personal intentions for creating my blog. Despite the fact that we probably run extremely differing lives!
I’m sick of being placed into boxes by society and want to run life my own way – by being my entire self.
wewicked.wordpress.com
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The tricky bit is to make your own decisions but be willing to deal with whatever the consequences. Being your entire self takes time for most of us. Have you read The Velveteen Rabbit? The quote from the skin horse about what it means to be ‘real’ is a favourite of mine. ‘It [becoming real] doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
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Oh Dear, the River of creative flow has dried up. The almost schizoid state you are feeling is almost certainly due to your unpreparedness.You must take up a paddle in your left hand to take advantage of the River should it flow again whilst your right hand must hold a squeegee should the weather change and allow you to clean the windows. One way or another you’ll be able to see clearly again.
xxx Huge Hugs- if you want xxx.
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Thank you! Will rummage through the shed for the paddle, have my hands on the squeegee! We have a dry riverbed in Alice Springs that I can use for practice. XX
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I wonder if anyone knows this wisdom when they are younger. I certainly did not. I love the words of the Skin Horse (I haven’t read The Velveteen Rabbit but will now look for it). But figuring similar out for myself was liberating. As was ceasing to judge myself or fear the judgment of others if my life, or housework, etc wasn’t Just So.
Blogging, I never started with expectations and never acquired any. I still post for myself, am honored that others read and comment but never expectant.
As for my muses, they come and go as they please. Often while I’m doing housework they distract me when my day job is busy it bores them having to compete so they take themselves off.
It’s interesting for me to contemplate your discourse, as I was considering when I free myself from paid work to some extent, that I will need a schedule or the demands of domestic duties I relegate now to allow myself free time, will have no boundaries and become overwhelming.
You and I seem to be commenting on Celi’s posts at similar times I noticed although today I was later than usual, but my comment also applies here, I’ve become better in finding joy in trying, failing, improving at things, and that includes being kind to myself.
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I agree with you that I am honoured that anyone at all finds what I write interesting. I began blogging with a desire to simply take people along on my journey through cancer treatment, but not wanting to forever dwell in that identity, continued writing about this and that when it seemed like something that might possibly be beneficial or interesting to others. Yes, having ‘unlimited free time’ is overwhelming if you don’t have things you want to accomplish. I am ‘in between things’ at the moment and trying to be a bit ‘zen’ about it, and dwell in the Ambiguity of it all. I had the funny thought that by writing and sharing that photo, I had recovered a few minutes of creative flow, even as I wrote about it having left me! The ironies of Life!
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I can relate to the Ambiguity and being in between things. We also are trying to be ‘zen’ about it. We believe… hope… we are close to changing lifestyles, or exchanging, lifestyles as many of the things we will have then we don’t have now and vice versa.
Sometimes I think life is a lot about ex-change, you have what you have but if you want something different you have to swap out something, very rarely does change come in the form of getting without giving 🙂
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What a thought provoking post! Thankyou! I keep coming back and looking at the image, and each time I see something different. I love it!! From my way of thinking at the moment, subject to change without notice, there are no musts, apart from those dictated by the body and even those can be rejected, though the consequences can be extreme. I enjoy your words so much xx
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Thank you Joanna! So nice to have been thought provoking… and yes, the photo… I’ve had it for some time, thinking I would make a painting out of it. Am hoping the painting will be as interesting, though I am now having doubts, but I did think it suited the topic of the post, somehow. X
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Enjoyed your post and your photo of ‘ambiguous’. Look forward to more!
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My mom has a saying that I’ve heard her repeat thousands of times: You should never shoulda on your self. Meaning, stop with the, “I should have done the laundry. I should have a better raincoat. I should lose those ten wretched pounds. I should not have tried to outrun the police.” I think you get my point.
Regardless, I keep that saying in the back of my mind as a little Jiminy Cricket mantra. Shelve the shouldas.
Love the post, and adore the photo. I agree. Wall-sized would be beautiful. xx
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Thank you. I love ‘shelve the shouldas’. I’ll remember that. xx
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